devil1

I Hated

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes, 22 seconds

Some say I'm overly sensitive and perhaps I am. But I cringe when I see social media posts pointing fingers or making fun of our fellow human beings. It just comes across as bullying to me.  It really bothers me, maybe more than it should, but it does. To understand where I'm coming from it might help you to understand where I've been.

Let me explain… From my experience… I flat out cheated death. When I was younger. I wanted to die. I was a depressed kid. I hid it well. I tried hard not to bring attention to myself.

My depression followed me into adulthood. It's something I struggle with to this day. It's something I have learned to work around. I understand and realize that some days I'm just going to be a useless piece of shit.  It's also the reason I push myself as hard as I do because I know what happens if I lose momentum.

It's because of this understanding of how my brain works that I get done what I do.. it just works.  But when I was younger...

I hated to live. Every dawn was a nightmare.

A little dramatic?  Absolutely not..

I hated waking up.

I hated the walk to the bathroom to piss.

I hated looking in the mirror knowing that the guy standing before me was the same guy that was going to be sitting by himself at lunch... or looking for a place to hide, usually the library.

I hated picking out my clothes, nothing ever fit right.  And my parents, with five kids, didn't have the money for the latest fashions.

I hated that I had allergies, stomach problems, couldn't see without glasses  and  (although I didn't know it then) Attention Deficit Disorder,  creating even more distance between me and normal.

I hated that I was emotional and got my feelings hurt so easily.

I hated that when I saw a sad movie or seeing someone hurt,  I was the only one crying,  guys don't cry I was told.  So I tried to hide it.

I hated that I didn't like scary movies - everyone else did, why didn't I?

I hated that riding a roller coaster was not my idea of a good time,  I can't control my screaming and it embarrasses me.

Speaking of embarrassment,  I embarrass easily, I'm always self conscious, though I've gotten light years better from grade school.

I hated that I didn’t understand what the teachers were talking about.

I hated that I had to pretend to like girls  when all I really wanted was their friendship.

I hated when the girls I tried to be friends with would call me a fag.

I hated when they stopped being friends with me because I smothered them with too much love.

I hated being alone.

I hated getting home and being by myself,  I never had many friends..more accurately, I had no friends.

I hated that it was traumatic for me when the school library was closed at lunch.. because I had nowhere to go.

I hated that I had to close my bedroom door and cry my eyes dry into my pillow.

I hated that I was always sad and had nothing to look forward to.

I hated that I would wake up at night screaming in a cold sweat, scared to death,  not knowing what was going on or what was wrong with me.

I hated that I had to compose myself before sitting down at the dinner table.

I hated that I got annoyed so easily sometimes.

I hated pretending like school was fine and that I was ok.

I hated feeling like I had to come up with something to say that gave my parents hope.

I hated that my  brother had a lot of friends and I had none.

I hated that my step father was abusive and I was afraid of him.

I hated being graded.

I hated being judged.

I hated that I wasn’t a jock.

I hated the way I looked, I wasn't an attractive kid and it wasn't until my early twenties that I could even look in a mirror.

In a nutshell, It wasn’t easy growing up closeted in a heterosexual only world.

It wasn't easy growing up being the weird, awkward kid. I was lucky that I was never really bullied,  but it  utterly breaks my heart to see people being pushed around.

We need to have compassion for our fellow human beings. I mean we all have flaws, right?  None of us are perfect.  All that I ask is that you think twice before posting the latest clip of an overweight person maybe eating more than they should, because you think it's funny.  It's not funny,  we have no idea what the person is going through or what their story is.

If you want to tease or make fun of someone... let's start at home, let's start with you.. because anything more is just too much...... and I hate it.

My Other Posts

Releasing Relationships

The Depression Program

Lost and Found

Attitude of Gratitude

I Always Knew

 

Evil graphic by Icomoon from Flaticon is licensed under CC BY 3.0. Made with Logo Maker

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