I feel like I’m living in a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. Sleep is the only time I get any peace. I look forward to it every day. When I finnally fall to sleep, after drugging myself, I often go to places that don’t exist, or at least they don’t exist in this realm. I see and talk to people who I love but are no longer in my life. Sometimes I don’t feel anything…. just nothingness…. But that’s fine with me.

I’ve been getting so discouraged lately. I read two emails that discouraged me. Rob Fraser and fearless momma. She doesnt seem to be pushing her own product anymore, instead she’s selling exodus elite. Rob Fraser is as well. I feel like there is all this money floating around out there and can’t get enough of it so we can even have a decent place to live.

Today was another bad day. Received two negatives on eBay. It made my stomach drop. I honestly have NEVER in my life been this distraught over my life, to the point where I’m seriously thinking about ending it. I’m paralyzed with fear and drowning thinking of all the things going wrong or about to go wrong

I dread waking up every day. I dread seeing the sun come up. I dread having to be forced to live my life. I go to sleep hoping I just won’t wake up..I don’t enjoy life anymore and everything I do seems pointless. I’m hanging on by a string. I just feel so hopeless. I drug myself ever day hoping lll sleep as long as possible or maybe not even wake up

Sleeping is the only time I get peace. I hate when I wake up and it’s already 430am. I don’t feel refreshed, ready and excited about the new day. All I feel is worry and dread.

I sometimes find peace thinking I may not have to deal with this cruel world anymore. I almost get jealous of the people who have passed on and left the rest of us here to suffer…. Not everyone of course, most people are probably perfectly happy.

I was finnally able to renew my personal blog’s domain… This is why I like blogger…. I can post things there and if something ever happened to my personal blog…. At least my words and thoughts would stay at blogger.. At least longer than they would otherwise. Nothing is forever, just think of all the geocities websites people built. If Google ever decided to shut down blogger, then my words and thoughts could disappear forever…. Not that anyone really listens to me or even cares…. But I just like thinking that a little peace of me will be floating around in cyberspace for a long time to come.

I have been thinking of death a lot. I’ve been thinking about all the people who died of HIV in the 80’s. An entire generation of gay men were almost wiped out because of it.

He didn’t die of aids but I have been thinking about Nelson Sullivan a lot. He died after his last video…. I’ve watched it several times.
He’d be in his 70’s now.. he was 41 when he died. People still comment on his videos that were uploaded…..some of the people commenting didn’t even exist when he roamed the earth. It’s really pretty neat.

I watched another video where someone did a walkthrough of his old house and walked the same path that Nelson did to go to the piers. He had Nelson’s voice from his old videos with what his neighborhood looks like today. Life went on without him. It always does.

Life is so sad if you thought about it too much..

It’s almost 130am, I’m going to try and shut my mind off.

I’m listening to my meditation video. If I can focus and just think about the present it really helps me.

Hopefully I won’t wake up in the morning. I’m so tired of this life. I don’t have the energy or even the motivation to stay alive. Everything is an effort. I hate seeing people suffer. I hate all the uncertainty. I hate that there are so many mean, self serving people in the world.

Maybe when I wake up, my life will have been just be a bad dream. I’ll be in another world, where people don’t suffer and everything is perfect. Kinda sounds like heaven, doesn’t it?