I was just thinking of the article I read yesterday “Last Men Standing“. It talked about the lives of people who caught hiv in the 80’s and are still alive or who far outlived their predicted demise.

One of them talked about learning he was HIV positive and walking outside where the world seemed to be in technicolor. Everything was so much different to him. I can really relate to that. He said the doctors told him to enjoy life because he only had a couple of weeks or a few months to live. He felt so hopeless and what was the point of doing anything.

So many gay men lost their lives in that period. It’s so scary to think. Now, the ones who are still living go through tremendous physical pain and worry about how they are going to make ends meet. One of them lives in San Francisco and soon won’t be able to pay his rent. It’s heartbreaking.

I can totally see and understand how someone can get to the point of not wanting to be around anymore. I often feel like that. Im scared to death of every morning, afraid of what awaits me or what bad thing is going to happen next.

I try so hard to be positive and think only positive thoughts. But the fear of the unknown mentally cripples me. I fight it every single day.

I have to watch myself from not practicing what I preach.

I fantasize a lot about slipping into a coma and just never coming out of it. I really do, it’s scary. Every dawn is a nightmare. The only peace I get is when I’m asleep. But lately, I’ve been getting scared in the middle of the night and having mini night terrors.

Please help me Universe.